


coming out

by IronSwordStarShield (SweetFanfics)



Series: 616 Stony Bingo 2019 [2]
Category: Marvel (Comics), Marvel 616
Genre: Avengers Vol. 8 (2018), Emotions are scary and Steve's trying to work his way through them, Introspective Steve, M/M, Secret Relationship, Stony Bingo, slightly insecure steve
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-13
Updated: 2019-07-13
Packaged: 2020-06-27 18:17:10
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19796386
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SweetFanfics/pseuds/IronSwordStarShield
Summary: Steve can’t stop touching Tony. Not just right now where they’re lying in his bed, Tony sleeping on his stomach, while Steve traces shapes into Tony’s back. No, he means outside of their room, when they’re around the rest of this new team of Avengers.





	coming out

**Author's Note:**

> This is my fill for the "What personal space" square on my bingo card :') 
> 
> As always, so much thanks to Jini for being my person. I wasn't sure bout the idea but she reassured me that it was good and we just got talking bout Steve and his feelings and that wound up becoming the core of this fic.

Steve can’t stop touching Tony. Not just right now where they’re lying in his bed, Tony sleeping on his stomach, while Steve traces shapes into Tony’s back. No, he means outside of their room, when they’re around the rest of this new team of Avengers. 

  
It’s incredible, honestly. That he can reach out and touch Tony anytime he wants, anywhere he wants. But he makes up excuses every time. And he’s not just talked about the times someone’s around and Steve’s worried it might raise some suspicions. Anyone who has known them from before knows that innocent physical touches between them are the norm. No. Steve’s concerns lie in Tony misunderstanding all the touches and finding Steve to be. Well. Unbearable and stifling.

But Steve can’t help himself. He finds himself drawn to Tony. There’s a thread connecting them - wherever Tony goes, Steve finds himself following; anchor to a ship. If the Avengers are the sun in Steve’s galaxy, then Tony is the Earth and Steve his moon. He’s always been in Tony’s orbit, now more than ever. 

It’s like before, where he was constantly aware of Tony’s presence, but more. And it’s not just because they’re dating now. Steve knows this because Steve’s dated before, been in very serious relationships even. But this overwhelming yearning to touch Tony, to be next to him, to _be_ with him, is terribly new. 

He hasn’t had a girlfriend who he’d always wanted to kiss, touch, love. He hasn’t been with a woman who’d made him seriously want to stay in bed for the rest of their lives and he’d be content with his world being olive skin, blue eyes, and dark hair. He hasn’t had a partner who he’d wanted so much that it’s _unbearable_ when they’re apart. 

Somehow, the entire sum of his experiences with all the women he’s been with, pales in comparison to the single moment when Tony, courageous, beautiful Tony, had surged out of the hot tub and captured Steve’s lips in a passionate, desperate kiss. 

Perhaps it’s the fact that Tony’s the first (and only if Steve has any say in the matter) man that he’s been with (wants to be with). It’s the newness of the experience. But surely this... ‘honeymoon’ shine would have worn off in six months. His feelings have only intensified. And that scares the crap out of him. 

It’s a constant test of his self-control. There’s so many moments where they’re alone and Steve _could_ give into his urges. He could run his fingers through Tony’s hair as he dips down to solder something into a circuit board. He could turn Tony’s face towards his own and kiss his words away. He could press his palm against the small of Tony’s back. Rub the dark smudge off his bone.

But Steve doesn’t.

He’s scared of the depths of his feelings and scared that he’ll drive Tony away because of them. It’s too much, this possessive desire of his. Steve wants to take Tony into him and keep him there forever. No. _No_. _Steve_ wants to be the one to fold into _Tony_. He wants to take up residence deep in Tony’s heart, in his blood, in his _soul_. He wants to consume and be consumed by Tony.

See? Isn’t all of that scary? How _much_ he wants? 

Steve’s aware of his possessive nature. God knows he’s been chewed out about it by his past girlfriends hard enough. Tony’s sure to feel the same way Steve imagines. Steve’s fingers pause in the middle of idly tracing the hickies he’s left on Tony’s neck when he wonders, _Maybe that’s part of the reason why it hurt so much whenever he didn’t take my side on things_. 

It feels so obvious in hindsight. It’s why all their fights felt so personal. Steve’d felt slighted that Tony wasn’t on his side. Tony, his friend, _his_ , wasn’t choosing to be with him. _Fuck_ , Steve thinks wearily. envying Tony for a moment because he’s asleep and not having his soul sink at the realization of how deep his possessive feelings go. 

Steve slips closer to Tony, rearranging them so that Tony’s lying on his back and Steve’s cheek is pillowed on Tony’s chest. He closes his eyes and listens to the steady beating of Tony’s heart; his favorite lullaby. It’s never occurred to him that love could be scary. That it was possible to love someone so much that it scares the living daylights out of you. And he can’t help but wonder if this is how Tony’s felt all along. All those times where Tony almost died trying to save Steve... God. He doesn’t understand how Tony does it. 

Tony’d confessed to being in love with Steve for well over 10 years. Steve’s only realized his feelings for his best friend, team mate, partner, barely 7 months ago and he can’t take it. But when the alternative is not having Tony... no. Steve will bear with these emotions. He’ll make sense of them. And that’s half the problem, isn’t it? He can’t do what he usually does and beat his emotions out until he feels numb. That’s just... not possible. So he’s got the uncomfortable and difficult task to make sense of the jumbled emotions swirling inside of him.

A heavy arm drapes clumsily around his shoulders and squeezes. Steve looks up in surprise, wondering if Tony’s woken up but the man sleeps on. Oh that love that swells in him makes Steve bury his face in Tony’s neck. He barely keeps the tears at bay, wondering how, even in his sleep, Tony was able to sense his pain? How was it even possible?

Steve doesn’t deserve this man. This wonderful, brilliant, flawed man who, despite all the times he’s been betrayed, still has so much love to give. And he’s chosen Steve to be its recipient. Steve’s always considered himself to be brave. But oh, Tony’s in a whole different league now because Steve could never be so courageous to confess his love the way Tony had. He’d have run away from his feelings, buried them six feet under, and pretended they didn’t exist.

He doesn’t deserve Tony Stark. This man who gave him a home, brought him into the Avengers, and pulled him into the future with a smile. Tony Stark has given him three priceless treasures: love, family, and hope. And what has he given Tony back in return? Nothing but heart ache and wounds thanks to his careless tongue and possessive desires. 

Squeezing his eyes shut, Steve reminds himself that he can’t think like that. He shouldn’t. He needs to focus on what he can do to make amends, on how he can be someone worthy of Tony. Steve has to be learn to be gentle in a new way, a more meaningful manner. It’s not just about touching Tony gently when he needs comfort. It’s about saying the right words at the right time. To keep Tony’s demons at bay, to not be the cause of the flash of hurt in Tony’s eyes. 

It’s the hardest thing Steve’s had to do if he’s honest because it feels like he’s constantly fighting his nature. There’s so much history between them, most of it good but some of it bad. But the bad goes so deep, has blackened the roots of his trust, that a lot of times, his first instinct is to jump to the worst conclusion. And then Steve feels awful for it. Tears well in his eyes because he doesn’t know how to stop that, how to rebuild his trust in Tony. What does he have to do to stop that awful voice from chiming in that Tony’s going to betray him again?

A memory of an earlier conversation returns to him, while Steve had visited Tony at his Stark Unlimited offices. They’d been dating for barely ten days and the feeling of being utterly smitten with Tony was still fresh as a freshly bloomed pink rose.

“It wasn’t ever that I didn’t trust you,” Tony had admitted shamefully, eyes locked on Steve’s thumb as he rubbed the back of Tony’s hand. “There’s no one I trust more, even now. Its...I never wanted you coming into the line of fire of a bullet that was aimed at me. If anything happened to you...The one time you di-died... I don’t have memories of that time but I’ve seen enough surveillance footage to know I didn’t take it well. That was my worst nightmare come true. So I’m telling you now. I’ll do whatever it takes to keep you safe. I always have.”

“I’m not saying don’t do that. Because I’ll do the same for you,” Steve had told Tony back then. “I’m just saying please don’t keep me in the dark about it. We’re stronger when we fight together. I’m... I’m saying lets try to be more honest. Let’s talk to each other.”

A weak but pained smile had pulled Tony’s lips up. “We usually wind up arguing.”

“At least it’s communication. We’ll get better at it the more we do it.”

Steve’s a fucking hypocrite who can’t even follow his own words. This is something he _should_ talk to Tony about but he’s so fucking scared. He’s _so damn scared_ he’ll scare Tony away. Steve curls up as much as he into Tony, shivering as fear envelopes him. It’s always been scary, opening himself up to someone and giving up a certain measure of control but this is unprecedented. It feels like trying to find his balance on a ball littered with loose marbles or something. Or like standing on thin ice, fearfully watching the cracks grow and grow and grow. 

Inhaling a shuddering breath, Steve wants someone to tell him what to do. Should he take the risk and just tell Tony? Or does he need to be stricter with himself? Be more self-controlled? 

But it’s just so intimidating. The idea that Tony knows him so well. That Steve’s an open book to him. This is something he’s known for a while but as Tony’s boyfriend, it’s a whole new ball game and it’s been wrecking havoc with Steve’s emotions for the past few weeks. 

A heavy hand falls on his head and sweeps through his hair. “What’re you thinkin’ so hard ‘bout?” Tony sleepily murmurs.

Steve tucks his face into the curve of Tony’s neck and whispers, “You.”

“Mm. Good thoughts I hope.” Tony’s hand pauses to squeeze the back of Steve’s neck before it slides down to rest in the center of Steve’s back. His eyes flutter shut when he feels Tony dropping a kiss into his blond hair. “Wanna tell me ‘bout ‘em?”

_No,_ Steve thinks to himself but he also decides he can’t be a hypocrite. Tony’s seem him at his very, very worst and still looked him in the eye and said he loved Steve. Tony’s his best friend. He knows him. And if he loves him...then... he’ll know....

Swallowing hard, Steve squeezes closer to Tony before whispering, “I want to touch you all the time. If you’re not next to me, I get all... It’s scary.”

“Why is it scary?” Tony inquires softly.

“Because... it’s... I feel it all the time. I’m scared you might... it might be too much.”

“Mmm it’s not.” Tony wriggles a little and Steve feels Tony’s nose brushing against his own. Tony’s whispered words kiss his lips when he says, “It’s sweet actually. That you want me that much.”

Plush lips press against his, tender and sweet. Steve falls into the loving kiss, realizing as soon as it happens that oh. _That’s_ the thing that _really_ scares him: he’s willingly giving up control to Tony and that’s something he’s always had problems with. How many people have joked that Steve’s a bit of a control freak? He almost wants to face palm at the realization but Tony’s pushing him back, making Steve lie on his back while he straddles his hips, sheets getting hopelessly tangled between their naked bodies. Which is utterly unacceptable if Steve's honest. 

As he hurriedly tries to shove the white sheets away, Tony chuckles at his impatience and doesn’t that just warm Steve’s heart. He forgets about the sheets for a moment, struck by the epiphany that the fear is something he _will_ overcome because this? Being in bed with Tony and hearing him laugh? It’s worth the effort. So what if he’s not worthy of Tony right now? Steve’ll change that. He’ll become a man who is worthy of Tony’s love, someone who Tony deserves to be with. Because a life without Tony isn’t a life worth living in his eyes. 

Tony’s the romantic between them. He’s the more experienced person. He’s loved Steve longer. In so many ways, he’s ahead of Steve. And hasn’t Steve always feared that Tony will leave him behind? Doesn’t this relationship, how Tony had kissed him, just prove that Tony was always holding his hand out to Steve, wanting to walk into the future _together_? 

Steve has loved many people in his life. All of them amazing, incredible people. He’d loved Sharon so much. He hadn’t thought he could love anyone else the way he’d loved her. And in a way, he’d been right. But he’s also not loved _anyone, period,_ the way he loves Tony Stark. 

So, sure, he’s clumsy, and has the tendency to say the wrong thing, and often jumps to the wrong conclusions about Tony. But Steve’s not going to lose Tony again. So if that makes showing his softest parts to his boyfriend, opening up, being vulnerable? Steve’s going to do it. Even if it makes him feel like he’s standing naked in Times Square. 

This amount of effort is the least he can do for someone like Tony, who loves him to the point of willingly sacrificing himself over and over again. Steve owes it to Tony to try to be better. 

They finally manage to untangle Tony from his sheets and Steve happily pulls him back into his lap, shivering when their half-hard cocks rub together lazily. Helplessly in love, he runs his hands up Tony’s sides before reaching out to link their fingers together. He kisses each of Tony’s fingers before asking, “Do you remember the time you said you wanted me to give you a chance at being my friend again? How you weren’t half as good at anything unless you were by my side?”

Curiosity burns in Tony’s beautiful blue eyes. Steve’s still trying to find the right shade of blue paint that matches Tony’s eyes. Once he finds it, he’ll begin work on the painting Steve’s building in his head. Tony squeezes Steve’s hand. “I remember that.”

“The truth is, _I’m_ the one who should have been asking you for that chance. I’ve let you down just as many times if not more. Every time I didn’t believe you, I let you down. And I hope you give me a chance to show you that I can be good for you, as a boyfriend, as a lover, as a partner. You make me want to be a better person.”

Shock and wonder spreads over Tony’s handsome face. He looks thunderstruck as he leans back a little on Steve’s thighs, staring down at Steve. His lips move a few times before he shakes his head, leaning forward with an urgent expression, “Steve. You’re already a good person. I don’t deserve y-”

“Don’t say that,” Steve cuts him off, pleading and urgent. “That’s not true. Not at all. I’m the one who doesn’t deserve you. I’m a clumsy oaf who’s hurt you so many times, it’s a wonder you still love me after all these years.”

“There wasn’t ever another option,” Tony mumbles under his breath, chin tucked against his chest in a poor attempt to hide his flushed cheeks. Shyly, Tony peeks at him and asks, “You make me want to be a better person too you know. I can stand disappointing a lot of people but not you. It feels awful whenever I feel like I have.”

Steve pushes himself up, letting go of Tony’s hands to cup his face before they meet in slightly off-center kiss. But Steve quickly changes gears, capturing Tony’s upper lip in a gentle suckle that pulls a sweet gasp out of the dark-haired man. Steve nips on the swollen flesh gently before murmuring into Tony’s mouth, “I feel the same way about you.”

Tony’s hands sweep up and down his back, tracing the shape of his shoulder blades. It occurs to Steve that Tony really likes doing that, touching Steve’s back. One of these days he’s going to ask why. But right now, Tony’s saying something.

“For the record? You can touch me all you want.”

“Even in front of the team?” Steve asks just a touch dubiously.

Tony kisses the corner of his mouth, “Sure.”

“You’re not worried they’ll figure out we’re dating?” Steve asks, turning his face in the hopes of stealing a kiss but Tony’s faster. He’s already moved on to nip on Steve’s earlobe, which is just fighting dirty because that sends a shiver down his spine, a shot of heat to his groin, and pushes a moan out of Steve’s lungs.

Tony’s teeth worry his ear for a while before he whispers, “No. I want the world to know you’re my boyfriend. Anyways, it’s not like it was ever a secret how much I admired you. But I figured you’d appreciate it if we took the slower route. You’ve never dated a guy before and this is me we’re talking about. _And_ you’ve always been a private person about your relationships, so...”

The easy shrug and explanation Tony offers have Steve relaxing. He cups Tony’s jaw in his hands and murmurs, “You know me so well.”

“I’ve only known you for 15 years,” Tony playfully gripes. “You’ve been my best friend for at least 10 of those. It’d be shameful if I didn’t know you.”

Steve rubs his thumbs against the grain of Tony’s stubble, feeling humbled and unworthy of Tony’s dedication and love. He promises himself to be a better, more considerate partner for Tony. And a step towards that direction, is to show that he’s just as proud of Tony as Tony is of him. 

“I don’t know if I’m ready to tell the world but I’d like to tell the team. If that’s okay with you.” Steve asks, making sure to look into Tony’s eyes as he says, “I want them to know we’re dating. You’re the best part of my life,” Steve’s voice shakes at the admission. “And I want to tell everyone that I’m the luckiest man in the world to have you by my side. ”

It sounds terrifying. But Steve’s done terrifying things before. And this time, Tony’s there to hold his hand and jump right into the fray him. And he’s won _every fight_ where they’ve fought like that. Steve can’t help but beam at Tony when he smiles and nods in agreement. 

The next day, right before T’challa wraps up the team meeting, Steve takes hold of Tony’s hand and says, “Before we go, there’s something I’d like to tell everyone.”

He glances over at Tony, looking for courage and finding it in the proud sparkle in Tony’s eyes and the tight squeeze of Tony’s fingers. Steve smiles crookedly back, keenly aware of the rapid-fire pace of his nervous heart and how it’s pounding in his chest. He’s even more aware of the fact that when he stands, everyone’ll be able to see him and Tony holding hands. 

T’challa nods, sitting down in his chair before he gestures to Steve. “The floor is yours.”

With a grateful nod, Steve rises to his feet. Pleasant surprise floods him when Tony stands with him. He shoots Tony a wondrous look, a smile splitting his face in two when Tony whispers, “Together.”

The immediate urge to kiss Tony’s knuckles sweeps over Steve. The delighted realization hits Steve that oh. He can do that. He doesn’t have to hold back. Tony’s taken all of him and only say, “Thank you” in return. So Steve follows through, kissing the back of Tony’s hand and grinning at the shocked noises that ripple through the team.

He turns to face everyone and begins, “There’s something you all should know...”


End file.
